InsaneJournal

Current mood:	blah
Entry tags:	rish, snarry

Darkness 1/3 (Severus/Harry)
Drowning
I can’t seem to reach the top. I swim and swim, but my head never breaks through the water. I feel light headed almost dizzy. I start to sink back into the water. The water becomes darker and darker and darker; the light from the sun cannot be seen from where I am now. I am never going to see my friends again; never beat him and save the world. Now my vision is back. My ears hear nothing, and I close my eyes.

Flashes dance across my eyes: Hermione getting her degree, Ron finishing training, Neville and Luna’s wedding, Draco’s smile as Ginny gives him his first child. I want to live, but my arms and legs will not work. As I slowly pass into the next world, I think about him, the only one I have ever loved. Good bye Severus.

Coming Undone
I can see it. When you live with someone as long as I have lived with him, you can see it. He closes off from the world outside. His smile is forced. I believe last night was the fourth time I found him out in the rain, just standing there. My poor Harry, if you would have just been born of other parents, you would not have had this pressure. If only others could see what they have turned you into.

But only I can. Only I can see that my love is coming undone, losing it. Come back to me Harry, I don’t want to live without you. I can’t.

Self Indulgence
I indulge him too much, but I am his Master. I will let him do what he wants with me. I care not anymore. If he wants me tied to the bed, a gag in my mouth; that is what he will get. If he wants me to ride him all night, I will. If he wants another in our bed, I will allow it. I love him too much to take his choice away from him.

I indulge him too much, but I am his slave. I will let him do what he wants with me. I care not.

Betrayal
How can one say ‘I love you’ and turn around and fuck someone else? How is that possible? What about me? How can I forgive so easily? A pout and a few words and I become putty in his hands, and he knows it. If my students could see me now, they would never give me any respect. Not after seeing my lover walk all over me. He has made our life together a joke and charade.

But I guess that is just our life. I will forever love the Boy-Who-Lived and he will forever cheat.

Painful
How can life be this painful? Is it just me? I can’t sleep, I can’t eat. When I close my eyes, I see his face. Eyes blank and blood running down his neck. His mouth agape after the last words he spoke to me. I wish I could rip out my heart, destroy any trace of love I ever felt for him. I would wipe my memory clean of his face, of his smile, of his words. If I could, I would take a knife and cut off all the places he touched. I can still feel him, inside me, all around me. Will I forever be driven insane by his memory?

Haunted
I am haunted by the memory of what I did. I killed him. I didn’t know I could be so heartless, but I did it. I pulled my wand out and killed him. But what is worse than killing my friend? My mentor is looking at my love’s face. That anger, that hate, the sheer loathing. If only I could have told him that he wanted me to kill him. But my love would never listen, to him I am dead. He will never see me as what I once was. Now all I can do is sit here and wait for my death.

Crimson
Blood it is everywhere. How can I stop the blood? I press my hand to one wound and find another. No one can live with losing this much blood, but I will not stop. I cannot. I need him too much. I could care less of the other people dying on the field. I will save him. Live, I tell him. But I don’t even get a moment of his eyes. Deep in my heart I can tell he is gone, but I will not let him go. I talk out my wand stopping in the blood, but still no response. I pound on his chest. He can’t leave me. He just can’t. I need him.

Stormy
I cannot sleep during a storm. It does not frighten me; it is him that scares me. The night it all came to an end, there was an violent storm. Thunder crashing, lightening blazing and rain pouring down in buckets. I have never forgotten that day. I doubt I ever will. I hold him to give him as much comfort as I can, but it never helps. He always jumps at a clap of thunder.

Come morning it will be all over and he will be back to normal, but right now he is just a scared little child.

Nightmare
I am twenty-three years old and I still have nightmares. I still cling to my lover for dear life when I wake up. I cry; I carry on like a five year old. Even potions cannot stop the dreams from coming. I loath the night and what comes from it. I wish I could get on with life like everyone else, but the nightmares come back, reminding me of that night. I could have died, my lover could have died. But he was too strong to die. I did what I had to, to kill the bad guy and save the day. But who will save me?

Forgotten
What can never be forgotten is relived. I remember hearing that once and thinking it was a stupid saying. But now that I have lived through the war, I know it is true. I relive that moment every day: the day my love was killed. My Lord held up his dead body before throwing it to the muddy ground; a cheer coming up from my fellow death eaters. It was over and the side that never thought it would win did. The side that was supposed to prevail didn’t. I took my leave of that life, taking his broken and dead body with me. He out in my garden buried near me, and on clear nights I can see my Harry’ ghost wandering around, just as happy as he once was.